The Wrong Kebab M Sheridan

 

After the confinement of a tightly-packed nightclub, the streets were a liberation to the drunken man. Myself and Julie finally got on a bus to Hackney at about 3.30am. Getting off, we were accosted by two homeless with their three-legged dogs. One asked for ‘some money for something to eat’ and I replied that he was only too welcome if he could find somewhere to buy something to eat at this time on New Years’ Eve.

The man took me up on the challenge, immediately pointing to an open kebab shop around the corner. I bought them a large doner, large chips and two tins of coke because I felt festive, etc. We walked off together towards their hostel just around the corner from our home.

The journey was full of drunken ‘fair play to you mate’ and ‘all the best for the coming year’ etc, and we parted. On arriving home, we opened our kebabs to discover to Julie’s horror that her vegetarian humous option was in fact a large doner.

The next ten minutes I think are among my stupidest and funniest.

I promptly took it upon myself to put right the error and seek out the other disappointed parties with the wrong kebab. At 4.15am on New Years’ Day I walked straight into a 150-bed homeless hostel exclaiming to the 24-hour security guard "I have got the wrong kebab here" – followed with "My girlfriend is vegetarian and she can’t eat this" (while showing the man the meat in the kebab) – he understandably looked nonplussed -

"Did you see two men with two dogs with three legs come in here with a kebab? Because I think they’ve got my kebab" – further looks of disbelief with an addition of genuine fear – "Do you have telephones in the rooms so that you could contact them to say that I’m here with the correct kebab? – No? – Oh".

I then looked around me a bit wondering how to resolve this as I slowly realised what I was doing. "Well I suppose there’s not a lot you can do about this really is there? But thanks anyway, Happy New Year" and off I went as the realisation hit me and a slow but building laughter rose in my chest.....