Interview failure tips by Tim Kingston

The career of your dreams is just an interview away, as are a number of jobs that you could frankly do without. Success at interview failure can significantly aid guidance towards a preferable career path. However, try as they might, some interviewees suffer terribly from the blights of intelligence, self-confidence, amicability, candour and good humour, the very "people skills" which prospective employers pick up on immediately, leaving hapless interviewees wondering whether they will ever secure the genuinely non-committal "thanks for coming, we'll let you know" brush off.
However, there are ways that even the most charming interviewee can give him/herself the disadvantages needed to secure that letter wishing them every success in the future. Here are just a few:

Turn up

Late
Out of breath
On a little tricycle, honking the horn at reception
Smoking

Wear

An ill-fitting suit
A Ben Sherman shirt with one collar unbuttoned
Devon Violets eau de toilet

When asked to take a seat

Say "I'd prefer to stand" or
Sit on the edge of the desk and tug playfully at the boss' telephone lead

When asked about previous experience

Begin every sentence "Don't get me wrong but..."
Be sure to mention "differences in opinion" with previousemployers
Don't be afraid to embellish on professional achievements by suggesting you "should really have gone for unfair dismissal"

Pertinent questions

Can I go to the toilet?
Can I have tomorrow off?
How many self-certified sick days are allowed before a doctors' note is required?
Where's the nearest pub? No, not there, I'm barred.
Wasn't you a mate of Nobby's?
What's your favourite Door's song?
I understand you offer a share option scheme for employees after two years service; what's a share?

Other useful phrases

Such a terrible shame, she was a very lovely lady
Next question
You've got to nip it in the bud
Oh mercy
I'm sorry, I was miles away

These are just a few brief suggestions as to how to avoid dread employment at the very first hurdle but naturally, the ability to confidently bodge an interview is a skill picked up with experience, and although it's a salient point that those who fail consistently are likely to be those who find least equipped to gain employment. If the right attitude is adhered to, you too might find yourself able to waltz through the interview situation like a bull in a china shop.