How to buy a crap car - a guide ------ Ben McCormick July 2004

Every car I have ever owned has been blue and crap. Blue is my favourite colour and I like cars that look like they’re about to conk out. I have never sold a car that I have owned to anybody else - they have all died by my hand. This is a fine record I intend to maintain.

The joys of having crap cars are almost too numerous to mention, but here’s five for starters:

1. You don’t pay a lot of money to buy them

I have never paid more than £1000 sterling for a car, and I probably never will, despite inflation. Crap cars are by their nature very cheap to purchase and this is, for me, the main attraction. Don’t confuse this with being cheap to run or maintain. Although cheap to insure, on the whole, crap cars will consume more money per mile than they do petrol or diesel. This is a fact, so if you want a car that’s cheap to run, read no further. These are not the cars you’re looking for.

2. You acquire what only you describe as an ‘all-time classic’

The fashion for classic cars is one that will never go away, but what hunk of junk is likely to be the next big thing in the classic car hierarchy? That’s the question that you are attempting to answer by buying your crap car. “Lada Nivas are only two years away from being the most sought-after 4x4 since the short-wheelbase Land Rover,” you’ll say to yourself in justifying the purchase. All but one of my crap car buys have had an element of ‘next big thing’ about them - just enough to send me scrambling for my wallet.

3. You learn lots about mechanics

Not the actual workings of the car, but those who fix them for a living. You will meet all manner of them in the course of your crap car ownership, all of whom will tell you that you have bought an absolute bargain. “It’s got a great engine,” they’ll say. Or “She’s a great runner.” A sure-fire sign you’ve latched on to a genuine crap car is if the mechanic refers to it as ‘she’. What they won’t tell you is how a car cannot function with just a good engine. It needs other things like suspension, chassis, brakes, exhausts, wheels, tyres, bodywork, radiators, alternators, dynamos, etc. They won’t tell you that all of the above need replacing either. Not straight away anyway. One thing you will learn about mechanics is that they are very good at fixing the problem they found when you brought the car in for an oil change (and charging you the earth for it) but not very good at changing the oil.

4. You see places you’d never expect to go

Inevitably, your crap car will break down. What do you expect? You paid less than a grand for it. It will usually break down in a place you would not choose to stop in had it not broken down, i.e. High Wycombe, Isleworth, Cricklewood. One of the first lessons you will learn after having bought a crap car is that you need breakdown recovery assistance. Peace of mind is something that does not come with the car you have bought, so a simple, small payment to one of the many reputable recovery organisations will save you a lot of money and irritation. Under no circumstances should you decide to ‘save’ money by not subscribing to one of these services. You will most likely spend a lot of time in this unwanted location waiting for someone to rescue you. This is likely to be someone who will tow your car to a garage, whereupon you can reacquaint yourself with mechanics (see above) and hand over large quantities of hard-earned.

5. You will discover the finer points of your car in no time

In order to deflect the hoots of derision from your friends and colleagues that will inevitably accompany your purchase, you will focus quickly on what is good about your car. This is good in two ways: you will always have a riposte that will confuse those seeking to belittle your car and you will become very good at focusing on the positive things in life. It is also bad in two ways because you will start to sound like a car bore and you will go through life not only burying your head in the sand like an ostrich but also buying crap cars.

There is, of course, a whole raft of other ‘benefits’ associated with driving around in a death-trap, but I’d be spoiling the fun by revealing them here. However, since I’ve whetted your appetite, you’ll now need to know how to go about buying one of these jalopies. Observe a few basic rules and the joy of crap car ownership will soon be yours.

The Rules:

1. Buy a copy of ‘Classic Car’ magazine or equivalent.

This is not to work out which car you should by, rather it is to know which cars to shun. Anything contained in the pages of this magazine is unlikely to be quite bad enough to fit into the ‘crap car’ category, so if you see an advertisement in your local Exchange & Mart for anything that can be found in the pages of a ‘Classic Car’ magazine, you know it’s not worth bothering with.

2. Do some research.

There really is no substitute for a bit of honest to goodness hard work, and nowhere can this be more fruitful than in applying yourself to searching for a crap car. You can’t just stumble on a complete wreck, oh no. It takes skill, judgment and not a little good fortune. Exchange & Mart is a good place to start, as is the ‘Under £100’ column in your local newspaper. Remember you are looking for price first and foremost, not make, year, roadworthiness or colour. Alternatively, you can often buy a total banger from friends of friends. Talk to some geezers down your local pub - they can frequently put you in touch with someone selling a complete dog. What you are looking for is something that you can fall in love with so much that it will obscure your judgment, so a car with ‘character’ or ‘charm’ should be at the top of your list.

3. Become uncharacteristically gullible.

This is crucial, because you will not part with your cash unless you develop a gullible streak as wide as the Cheddar Gorge. Your usual rational self will have to go right out of the window, because in your right mind you wouldn’t go near that heap of junk. To help this process, what you need to do is focus on the unimportant things about the car, such as the fact that it has great pictograms, an ‘unusual’ gearbox or interesting windscreen wipers. Listen intently to the vendor as he points out these idiosyncrasies, and ignore such ‘piffling’ details as fuel consumption/reliability/that noise coming from under the bonnet.

4. Dive in with both feet.

Once you have found your dream crap car, buy it. Like teetering on the edge of a bungee jump, if you spend too long thinking about it, you won’t go through with it. Do not talk to anyone else about the purchase - they will not view the car in the same way as you and will do their utmost to dissuade you. Specifically, avoid discussions with your spouse/partner/parents/close friends/trusted colleagues. They just won’t understand.

5. Find a reputable garage.

Your wreck will need fixing frequently, so it’s best to find a garage in the local area that can patch it up every time it goes wrong. But because owning a crap car is a lifestyle choice, your garage needs to fit in with your new-found ‘crap car’ way of life. Shun the dealership garages and any that look like they’re affiliated to a recognisable trade association - they will charge a reasonable amount, do a good job and most likely keep you on the road for the foreseeable future. Your best bet is to opt for one of the many back-street operations like Mike’s Mechanic’s or Feinnes Tuning’s (the apostrophe will tell you all you need to know). In every respect, the car must fit the garage, because you have bought what is a ‘specialist’ vehicle, which needs the care and attention that only a ‘specialist’ can lavish on it. When the ‘balance shaft gear’ goes, which if you’ve chosen correctly it will, you need to be secure in the knowledge that your local garage will not only be able to fix it, find something else wrong and put the relevant parts on order (approx delivery time - eight months), but will also find it necessary to take the engine out completely and charge you the earth for their time.

Crap car CV:

I’ve had my fair share of crap cars in my time. The table below details my crap car experience.