Last week I sent out the following email to numerous acquantances.

"Here's a thing

Last week I went to Pune and bought 14 small packets of dried butter beans, I bought every packet from the supermarket shelf and nothing else, they're not available in Goa and they really are the best as I'm sure you'll agree. It still brought stares at the checkout, even in India. I bought them back to Goa in a plastic bag.

Three days ago I found a young cat in the street. Five inches at most.
It stinks as a result of whatever the hell starvation has done to its belly which is bloated to an unpleasant degree. I am improving its health through feeding.

The cat sleeps in the bag with the beans. It went in of its own accord and prefers to stay there. It has slept there on and off for two days. I estimate it will take 5-6 weeks for it to properly convalesce before it is ready to be put outside with the birds of prey. The beans must remind it of its mother and since it is flea ridden, this suits my
arrangements. But I am bean thirsty, or bean hungry. I expect to eat three packets of beans each week until they are over (as the Indians say) or finished.

Who gives in first, me or the cat?

Please advise."

I received varied responses which surprised me enough to publish here. See for yourself. Of course anonymity protects:

Go back to Pune and get some more beans.

Fricasse the cat.

It is not black and white [the situation at least] and there should be a compromise available which both satisfies the cat's recovery and your urges to bean feast. The alternative, of course, is to resort to the coin.

I would use a blunt heavy instrument on the back of the cats head (behind the ears) whilst firmly supporting its body in a fixed position. Give the beans to a person that is starving and has fleas and welcome some of the street urchins to sleep in your bed. Two days of sacrifice to save you 9 years of purgatory.

Solution 1: Be patient, if your mind strays to butter beans think of potatoes (I presume you can get hold of these). Solution 2: As soon as cat first makes foray out of bag (still convalescing) syphon off small quantities of butter beans, small enough for cat to not become suspicious. Solution 3: Rotten Cat and Butter Bean Pie.

Here is my answer. Find the a shoe box and make it live under the bed. Fuck it, it is only a cat.

The kitten is small and must only spread across 2 or 3 bags max therefore contact is not made with 8 or 9 so when the cat is out having a wee simply replace the underbags with a blanket of a similar mass. The kitten is probably delirious with disease and will be none the wiser if the kitten doesn't go out for a wee let teh beans alone, take 3 rupees from Julie's purse and feast on Lobster Thermadore.

And my absolute favourite:

Not sure what you should do about your predicament, what ever you decide will be the wrong choice.



Thus far I have not decided what to do and the cat remains as the following picture testifies.

Please feel free to advise further. I've never been so stumped.