The J. Hackson Car Boot experience

New to this game, Hackson had made an extensive search of his cupboards, attic and wardrobes (along with those of his parents, extended family, neighbours and in-laws) and had, he claimed, come up with some cashworthy antiquities and relics – a car boot bounty sure to impress the Chav market. Accompanied by Whiting the vehicle was loaded. Whiting here takes up the story;

The chosen Sunday came and the day was glorious. On the approach to the site at 10.00am the sun beat down upon us and we were to be found very jolly. A rotund man greeted us – he was also jolly. I put this down to the fact he was holding in his hand several thousand pounds. He took a further £5 from us and waved us into the field. The site itself was part of a farm - temptingly close to the estates of Caddington village and the local static caravan park – these people had clearly done their homework.

Hackson had stated to the rotund man that he cared not to stay for longer than 2 hours as he feared the outside. The man had offered us a spot next to a “bouncy castle” – interestingly, approx. 200 metres from any other stalls – “for a quick getaway”.

I explained to Hackson that I thought this a somewhat ill advised location if we intended to sell anything, as many of the potential “customers” looked as though they had never walked more than 200 metres in their lives. Undeterred he donned a large straw hat and proceeded to unload the contents of the car.

At this point I must point out that any retailer, market trader, car boots person etc. will have a few star items that they place prominently on show to lure potential cash cows to the rest of their crap. I shall now list the first few items I saw being unloaded to give you an idea of my mood at this point;

1. Ten used “blank” videos (various makes)
2. Used socks – approx. 25 pairs
3. An ancient ‘Letters game’ (without game board – just paper letters)
4. Broken bathroom weighing scales
5. One Greek dancing cassette (1980’s vintage)
6. One dented 1960’s lampshade

Hackson set up the table and proceeded to put these items prominently on display at the front. There followed a rickety coffee table on casters, an old car radio (not working but boxed…although crucially not in it’s own box….) and a Mobile phone joke flashing armchair (also, notably, not working). These items were also placed prominently on display.

As I picked my jaw up from the dirt I questioned whether he had any items that people may actually want to own so that they could replace the items he had put on show. With a flourish he produced his tour de force…. 8 old jigsaw puzzles and an ancient used toilet bowl mat.

Slightly dazed, I helped him rearrange the stall – and believe it or not we actually had customers. One man stood on the broken scales and asked if they were working (the reading said “0” when it should have said “EIGHTEEN STONE - TEN POUNDS”). I replied they might need some attention. He then proceeded to sit on an old office chair Hackson had literally just set on the floor. Fears that he was just resting after an energetic climb atop the scales were put to rest when he made a joint bid of £3.50 for both items. Hackson almost bit his hand off.

Almost immediately there was a crowd surge of perhaps three or four people who intuitively sensed money changing hands, and who rushed to see the bargains to be had. As unexpected as the previous sale, an elderly woman slapped down £8 for a set of Magic Roundabout figures Hackson had just retrieved from the boot. I began to compose my apology to Hackson as he was proving a shrewd businessman.

After a few minutes when the rush had subsided the rest of this marvellous bounty was laid out for all to see.

In addition to the previously mentioned items there were;
1. Many used women’s clothes (various sizes and types) placed perhaps unwisely next to the toilet mat
2. A set of Poker Dice
3. One Badge labelled “Police”
4. Books (100’s – mostly textbooks and study aids)

It was agreed that perhaps our best items had gone and so the stall was left as it was with the blank videos at the front.

At this point I noticed an item that would probably do rather well – a boxed fountain pen. I began to move it to the front of the display when I noticed it was monogrammed with a name, therefore rendering it useless to anyone who did not possess that name. This perhaps would not be a problem if the name was ‘Dave’, ‘Shirley’ or ‘Les’ but this pen was monogrammed with the name “Angharad”. I pointed this fact out to Hackson. He gave me a blank look…

I explained that not only were we not in the Welsh valleys, but the chances of anyone possessing this Welsh Celt name in this particular field at this exact time and who required a fountain pen were probably zero. He gave me a blank look…

We sat back resigned to the fact we would sell very little else – and we were not disappointed as the sum takings were £13.87….. Minus the £5 to get in we were left with £8.87 profit (or just over one set of Magic Roundabout figures).

However, much laughter was had at a “Pointing” book. This is a book for thick English abroad types. Each page features pictures of food/holiday activities etc. that one can just point to, to save bothering to learn any of another country’s tongue. A true gem. Albeit a true gem that no-one wanted – surprisingly given the audience.

Our car boot sale was over and the coffers had not advanced due to an unnecessary panic purchase of a double Bill Haley LP.

Resigned to the fact we now had to make a diversion to the tip, we packed away the unsold Bernie Clifton Cassette and waved adios to the rotund farmer.